"What would you do if that inmate picked a fight with you today?" I asked him.
"Nothing," Joshua quietly replied.
An Unexpected Visit
About a year after Philip and I bequeathed the prison sangha to Steven and moved south to North Carolina to found Cloud Cottage Sangha, Joshua phoned us to say he was out of jail. We'd stayed in touch, and now he had an important request.
"I want to receive the Five Mindfulness Trainings," he said.
"We're hosting a dharma teacher from California, Lyn Fine, in North Carolina this September, Josh," I said. "If you can get yourself here you can stay with us, and we can arrange a ceremony to have Lyn and the sangha offer you the precepts."
It took a huge effort on Joshua's part to make the journey. First he secured permission from his halfway house to go on leave for religious reasons. Then he got the okay from his supervisor to take a leave of absence from his job. Finally, he needed money for bus fare; his grandmother complied with a loan, and we set a date for his arrival.
On the long Greyhound ride, Joshua wrote untitled poems:
Impermanence is the
Change is the one true
Suffering, joy, hate,
love, these too
shall pass. Sitting still
Quiet my mind,
Rest in the joy of
Josh's Greyhound bus arrived on time. Back at Cloud Cottage, which is truly a cottage in size, Lyn slept on the futon in the den and Joshua put his giant body down on our living room couch.
"I have to talk to you," he said. "I have a question. Can someone who's a sex offender receive the precepts? I...I'm not sure I can do this because of my crime. And Judith, I don't even remember what I did! I was blacked out on drugs!"
Ironically, just at that moment into our back door came a sangha member who had been repeatedly sexually abused as a child. Just as she walked in, bearing a gift of soup, I was answering Joshua, "Of course you can receive the Trainings. Your past doesn't matter." My mind raced in quick succession to Charles Grand raping my sister-in-law Connie and murdering her, of the Buddha accepting a penitent mass murderer as one of his monks, of Jesus eating with prostitutes.
Fortunately, our friend with the soup at the back door escaped hearing any of this conversation, or it might have made her dinner difficult. Just then, Lyn Fine came out of the other room to join us, and I introduced her to my friend. We served my friend's carrot soup with a hearty bread. There we were, an unlikely gathering, teachers, perpetrators, victims — no self, no other — gathered for a mindful meal, a true Zen Eucharist. In this way, we practiced interbeing.
One Dharma Journey
Lyn led the retreat that weekend, in a friend's house set on a vast, tree-dotted lawn in a mountain cove. On a crystal autumn day of marigolds and maple leaves, we held the ceremony for the transmission of the Five Mindfulness Trainings. Tearfully, I watched as Joshua brought his massive body down to touch the earth, receiving each of the Three Refuges:
I take refuge in the Buddha,
the one who shows me the way in this life;
I take refuge in the Sangha,
the community that lives in harmony and awareness;
I take refuge in the Dharma,
the way of understanding and love.
After the ceremony, Lyn gave Joshua his lineage name, Peaceful Light of the Source, linking it to mine and Philip's, also given by her — Clear Light of the Source and Shining Stream of the Source.
Our linked names mean so much to me, for it was Josh who had transformed my guilt and regret at never having contacted Charles, to say in person, "I forgive you!" It was five years after the murders that I was able to forgive the boy who killed my family — five years of daily meditation and mindfulness practice. But before I'd been able to tell him so, Charles killed himself. Might I have saved his life by telling him of my forgiveness? Perhaps.
I saw on Joshua's ordination day that Joshua's journey was my journey. Joshua and I inter-exist. Despite a long and bumpy ride, I, too, was learning to "rest in the joy of the breath." Like Josh, I was unfolding my heart to the perfect understanding that transforms hatred and degradation into love and forgiveness.
In the chaos of prison life, Josh had longed for peace. There, he had come to discover his inner teacher, his true self. Back home in Souderton, Pennsylvania, after entering the stream of our Buddhist tradition, he founded Dharma Rain Sangha.
"I met one of the Countytown guards on the outside who told me, 'I knew you didn't belong in there,'" he said. But maybe he did belong in there. How else for this gentle giant? How else would Joshua's dharma journey have begun?
Judith Toy, True Door of Peace, practices with Cloud Cottage Sangha in Black Mountain, North Carolina. This article is an excerpt from her forthcoming book, Minding the Fire, Zen Stories of Forgiveness. Other essays from her book can be found in Best Buddhist Writing 2006, published by Shambhala, and in the new Buddhist quarterly, Right View.
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