In Memoriam

Don UberSeptember 3, 1939 – November 4, 2002

Don first came to the Potluck Sangha four years ago, and soon this shy, sweet man rarely missed a chance to be with us.  Hosting a study group one time, he confessed, “We tend to develop isolation as a coping mechanism early in life. Sangha models openness, acceptance, peace, joy, and inclusiveness.”

Once, on a Sangha nature walk, a flock of swallows descended, flew in a circle around Don’s head, rose, descended again, and one bird sat on his shoulder. It rose, came back, and sat again, this time chirping in Don’s ear. Don listened, and when there was a pause, he whispered back, and the wild bird listened.

When Don told our Sangha about the cancer growing inside him, many of us offered support. Joanne offered to accompany Don to his appointment with the surgeon where he would learn the details of his planned surgery. At first he said it was not necessary, but then paused for a minute and softy said yes, he would like the support. Don was discovering how to let people be there for him. Don asked his surgeon if it would be all right to travel to a meditation retreat in San Diego with Thay. The surgeon said yes, that spiritual practice is the best preparation for surgery. At the retreat, though a little hesitant, Don talked about his cancer with his Dharma discussion group, and received much support and compassion.

Near the end of October Don was in chemotherapy and radiation and having a very rough time. Though we had been doing what we could to help out, we felt that he needed more support, and planned to ask him how we could help him full time. But we never got to ask him, as he was suddenly back in the hospital, having suffered a heart attack and then a stroke. Late one Saturday night we heard the news, and many Sangha members gathered around his bedside, telling him of our love and appreciation for him, and singing songs. Though the hospital staff said he was in a coma, his hand lifted as we said our names and spoke of our good times with him. When we sang, his eyes became moist, like ours.

The evening following Don’s death, the Sangha gathered with his sisters, who had traveled from New York, to sit, recite the Heart Sutra, share stories, songs, and a meal. We talked of what Don would want in a memorial service. Several of the Sangha members created a beautiful ceremony, attended by about 60 people. We lit candles, had a short silent meditation, read some poems, sang songs, and shared stories about Don. Being able to be with Don during his illness, his dying and his memorial gave the Potluck Sangha members a deepening love and appreciation for all our moments together. Let us be joyful, let us be kind.

What to say of a man so gentle A wild bird lights on his shoulder To speak into his ear? Let his kindness go ahead of me.

Offered by members of the Potluck Sangha in Oakland, California: Caleb Cushing, Joanne Connelly, Lennis Lyon, Sarah Lumpkin, Denise Bergez.

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