By Bethany Klug My husband David and I entered our relationship with a deep intention: that spiritual practice would form its foundation. We met at Sangha and our friendship grew around the trellis of mindfulness practice. When we began entertaining the notion of a long-term committed relationship, I insisted we start with Beginning Anew. I had withheld some things about myself from my first husband until years after we married. To some degree, the anger, hurt, and mistrust we felt led to the downfall of our marriage. So David and I told each other everything—things we didn’t ordinarily share out of fear of judgment, things we felt ashamed of, everything. And it worked. There have been no unpleasant surprises in our ten-plus years together.
We practice Beginning Anew once every two weeks, before we recite the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings. The process is simple, but as Thay says, “it takes training.” We encourage the practice of mindful speech and deep listening by bowing before and after we speak. We don’t interject, but breathe mindfully and place our full attention on listening to our dear one. In fact, we have a rule. We do not comment on anything said during our Beginning Anew ritual for forty-eight hours. The few times we have broken the forty-eight-hour rule, we have regretted it. We both need the space to hear and be heard and look deeply into our feelings.
This regular practice of Beginning Anew has helped us navigate the path of happiness together. We know what brings each other happiness, and we water those seeds often. The practice has trained us to listen deeply to each other and to speak and act in a way that helps us take care of difficult seeds. We do our best, but if we make a mistake, we recognize it quickly and take care of it, even by practicing Beginning Anew informally that day.
We had a large group of Sangha friends over the other day. I was rather focused on our guests as everyone was leaving and did not hear David say goodbye. Once everyone was gone, I noticed David wasn’t there. I called out to him and received no answer. Then I noticed his car was gone. I was shocked. He had left without saying goodbye. Earlier that day, he had asked me if I would sit with him as he got his monthly massage. I declined, and he looked a bit sad, but I was still catching up on things since I had been out of town the past few weekends. “Where did he go?” I wondered, realizing that his massage wasn’t for another ninety minutes. “Was he mad that I wouldn’t go with him to his massage? How could he leave without saying goodbye?” David doesn’t carry a cell phone, so there was nothing for me to do but breathe and do things I had planned to do.
We spoke when he returned. I had forgotten about the errand he planned, which was in the neighborhood of his favorite restaurant. He’d had just enough time to get a bite to eat there; thus, he left in a hurry, before our guests were gone. Still, I could not understand him leaving without me knowing he had gone. He held up his right hand and said, “I vow two lips before I go, always!” He pursed his lips together in a kiss. I laughed through my tears.
He then touched my face and asked, “Don’t you know I treasure you?”
“Yes, but for some reason I forgot today. It’s not often I forget,” I murmured.
“I guess the causes and conditions were right, today,” he said as he stroked my hair.
“Yes,” I said, as I recognized the seed that led to our misunderstanding. “But remember, I know what it’s like not to be treasured.”
Bethany Klug, the Practice of True Emptiness, convenes the Heartland Community of Mindful Living along with her husband David, True Wonderful Lamp. They reside in Kansas City with their spiritual director, Shanti the Cat.
To Begin Anew is to look deeply and honestly at ourselves, our past actions, speech, and thoughts to create a fresh beginning within ourselves and in our relationships with others. At the practice center, we practice Beginning Anew as a community every two weeks and individually as often as we like.
We practice Beginning Anew to clear our mind and keep our practice fresh. When a difficulty arises in our relationships with fellow practitioners and one of us feels resentment or hurt, we know it is time to Begin Anew. The following is a description of the four-part process of Beginning Anew as used in a formal setting. One person speaks at a time and is not interrupted during his or her turn. The other practitioners practice deep listening and following their breath.
Flower watering: This is a chance to share our appreciation for the other person. We should mention positive qualities that we have truly observed in him or her, or specific instances when the other person said or did something we admired. This is an opportunity to shine light on the other’s strengths and contributions to the Sangha and to encourage the growth of his or her positive qualities.
Sharing regrets: We may mention any unskillfulness in our actions, speech, or thoughts that we have not yet had an opportunity to apologize for.
Expressing a hurt: We may share how we felt hurt by an interaction with another practitioner, due to his or her actions, speech, or thoughts. Expressing a hurt is often performed one-on-one with another practitioner rather than in the group setting. If desired, you may ask for a third party that you both trust and respect to be present. We must be sure to have completed the first step described above, watering the other person’s flowers, before expressing how she or he has hurt us. When someone expresses to us that they have been hurt, we should not justify ourselves. We have to listen deeply without thinking of how they are wrong, and we breathe to keep our compassion alive. If they have many wrong perceptions about us, we should not express this just after they have spoken. We can just apologize, saying that we are very sorry that we have made them suffer. If we have an opportunity in the future, we can try and explain a little more to help them feel better.
Sharing a long-term difficulty and asking for support: At times we each have difficulties and pain that arise from our past to surface in the present. When we share an issue that we are dealing with, people around us have an opportunity to understand us better and offer the support that we really need.
The practice of Beginning Anew helps us develop our kind speech and compassionate listening. Beginning Anew is a practice of recognition and appreciation of the positive elements within our Sangha. For instance, we may notice that our roommate is generous in sharing her insights, and another friend shows a caring spirit towards plants. Recognizing others’ positive traits allows us to see our own good qualities as well.
Along with these good traits, we each have areas of weakness, such as talking out of our anger or being caught in our misperceptions. When we practice “flower watering” we support the development of good qualities in each other, and at the same time, we help to weaken the difficulties in the other person. As in a garden, when we water the flowers of loving kindness and compassion in each other, we also take energy away from the weeds of anger, jealousy, and misperception.
We can practice Beginning Anew every day by expressing our appreciation for our fellow practitioners and apologizing right away when we do or say something that hurts them. We can politely let others know when we have been hurt as well. The health and happiness of the whole community depends on the harmony, peace, and joy that exist between all members in the Sangha.
Reprinted from www.deerparkmonastery.org.